Whatever.

I really meant to blog more. I didn't want to start something, commit to something and then just fall off the bandwagon. And of course, that's what I did.

I really do enjoy it. I just feel like there's not enough time for it. Between doctor appointments, taking care of my dog, wallowing in my self pity, taking care of my unborn child, plus my diabetes, I just get lost and extremely overwhelmed. But maybe that was just a hump and I'm getting over it. Maybe I'll start pumping out 2 or 3 blogs a week now.

Hey, It's worth a shot.

OK, updates, let's see... I reconnected with an old friend who I haven't spoken to in about 6 years. Well, I guess she reconnected with me really. Whatever. I'm glad she did. It was a terrible, painful part of my past that I thought about everyday, and wondered if what happened was supposed to, or if we just let our stupid 13 year old minds run rampant. Again, whatever, I guess. It happened and there's no taking it back. But anyway.

Like I said, It was a painful part of my life and was always in the back of my mind, weighing on me and causing me small amounts of anxiety, which God knows I don't need. After we talked and reconnected I felt so much better. And It's one thing I can now say doesn't weigh me down anymore. which, at this point in my life is an amazing thing for me. Everything has just seemed to be weighing me down this past year and I have to say, It feels pretty damn good to have one less thing. I feel better, I know its better for my kid, and the people who love me.

When you have anxiety, it doesn't only affect you, it causes the people around you pain. It causes them stress and worry and hurt and sadness and confusion as to why what's happening to you is happening. And it sucks because not even you know. Whatever, though.

My insurance changed and they no longer provide coverage for the pump I've been on since July. So I'm switching pumps. Right now I'm on the Omnipod by Insulet, and I'm switching to the 530G pump by Medtronic. I have to say, I am excited, albeit a little nervous for what the future holds. I'm switching from a pump without tubing, to a pump with tubing. I think that will be the hardest thing to adjust to, honestly. Because the rest is just a learning curve.
I'm also receiving a CGM, or a continuous glucose monitor for all of you non-diabetics out there.
Basically it's a sensor that tracks your blood sugars so you will know if you're going too high, or too low. I am really pumped for that. It will be nice to have the awareness and knowledge of my constant blood sugars.

Like tonight, it really would have come in handy.

Every night this past week I've been waking up around 1:30 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep, usually until 5 or 6. then I sleep until 8 or 9 and eat the rest.

Whatever.

Tonight I woke up around 1:30 and here I am blogging instead of sleeping at 4:29 in the morning.

My husband's alarm is going off for work. Maybe I'll let him miss it and be late. Haha.

Pregnancy is really hard. I feel like everyone told me, but maybe I just wasn't prepared for all of it. It has so many more aspects than just the physical parts. Which, believe me, if you don't know, are surely hard enough. My stretch marks have stretch marks. I was wearing a bikini this time last year, and now, I will NEVER WEAR A BIKINI EVER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

But, whatever. Who needs bikini's, right?

I don't want to get into all the woes of pregnancy so I'm not going to. Not in this post anyway.

My baby shower is this Sunday, and tomorrow I am going to get my nails done for the first time in, probably about a year. I used to love doing that. Now, I gotta be honest, it seems a little impractical. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I don't know.

I'm scheduled to be induced between my 38th and 39th week of gestation, probably sooner the further I get in my pregnancy. Last week It was between 39 and 40 weeks.

I have weekly doctor appointments now. Usually one on Tuesdays, and one on Thursdays. NS testing every week, and in depth ultrasounds every week. On top of that I have endocrinologist appointments, training for my new pump and CGM, and my regular OB/GYN appointments too. I always thought the few weeks before a baby is born would be almost like the calm before the storm, but I was horribly, awfully wrong. foolishly wrong. It's just going to be a shit show until she pops out, and not too much easier after she does so. Even though I am sure it will be more enjoyable because I'll have a tiny human... Right?

Whatever.

It is what it is and I can't change 97% of it, so why try? I just need to work on my own happiness, my own calm. I need to be still.

It really helps me to make lists. I feel productive as I'm making a list, and like a super human when I can then check things off of said list. It's quite the thrill, really. I made a list tonight amidst my sleeplessness.

I like lists.

Peace, Mego out.

Puppies, Babies, And Death.

I had a fairly eventful week and weekend. Lots of doctor appointments, as usual, and it was my sister's birthday.

We also had an extremely unexpected and very tragic death in the family. I feel as though I am at a loss for words to write.

I think that blogging has been very good for me, it helps me process my emotions better, and focus on one thing fully. Which I am sure as you can imagine is difficult for me, because of all the things currently going on in my life.

This morning I had another doctor appointment, and me and my mother went to see the baby in my belly. Everything is measuring beautifully and she currently weighs in at 4 pounds, 3 ounces. We didn't get any photos to take home this visit because she had her arms over her face- again!

Last Tuesday she had to have an echocardiogram done, and the doctor was worried that one of her major arteries was massively too small, which would require surgery at birth, and all these things for Tim and I to think about, and stress over. We had an appointment at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia the following Friday to get it checked out. Turns out that the abnormal increased blood flow in her aortic valve is not cause by something like a tiny artery, the big concern, but could possibly be caused by a missing leaflet in her valve. A much more common heart defect.

I feel odd talking about my daughter's possible common heart defect in such a calm manner, because it is still just that, a heart defect. Ideally, she wouldn't even HAVE a heart defect.

But it is what it is and I can't change it.

If she does end up with a heart defect, I can't help but feel totally and completely responsible. Diabetics who choose to reproduce know full well that their offspring are much more likely to have organ and heart defects. I am selfish, and am willing to allow my child's quality of life to be lacking, simply because I want a baby.

I find myself downtrodden today. Sad, and lacking confidence, lacking conviction, and lacking motivation. I just want to lay in bed with my dog and watch netflix. And maybe eat a donut.

Death is tough to deal with. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and outlets. But just the thought of it... I don't know. It leaves me feeling uneasy and angry. Mainly when the way is happened was violent, tragic, or just out of the ordinary.

Life is really really hard to deal with sometimes.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my cardiologist. They sent me home with a 24 hour heart monitor. I am wearing it currently. I have 3 hours and 27 minutes remaining, then I can take it off and return it to my doctor's office. I slept horribly last night, I was up most of the night.
It doesn't help that my dog has decided that he needs to go all the way downstairs every single night to use the bathroom. But I guess that is better than having to clean up an accident in the middle of the night.

I enjoy blogging, but I feel as though I am not very good at it. I feel scatterbrained, and random. I feel boring and uninteresting. I feel as though all my posts are the same.

I'm hoping to get more posts out there, maybe have a weekly quota I need to meet. Practice makes perfect, they say.

I think I'll go nap with my pup.

Peace, Mego out.

Today I had a doctor appointment. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment. April 4th I have a doctor appointment. And also on the 5th, 6th, 8th, and 11th.

I'm weary today. I'm angry today, and once again, I'm tired.

Last week I went to see my primary physician for a previously scheduled appointment, regarding my asthma. I had mentioned to him, (after he asked me) that I wasn't feeling too well. I've had a headache, a very painful sore throat, my nose is stuffy and runny, and I started having very painful pressure in my ears, and I can't hear out of my left one.

 I have 2 chronic illnesses that make me more susceptible to infections and disease, so immediately my mind went to ear infection. Great!

Anyway, after being asked by my primary if I was feeling well, I proceeded to tell him all this, and I said, "I figured I was getting a cold or something, but I knew we had this appointment, so I waited to see you to tell you about it."

So the jackass says "Well you're probably getting a cold or something..." and then he changed the subject. What kind of doctor acts like that? Is that normal? since then I've only gotten worse and I'm in more pain, but I don't want to call him up because he's an asshat, and I dislike him immensely. I guess I'll just tough it out like I do with every other single thing in my life.

Being pregnant has made me stronger. I've experienced more pain in the last 7 months, consistently, than I have  (on a daily basis, anyway) ever before, and only been able to take Tylenol to help.
Well, taking Tylenol every day kind of stops helping after the first few weeks.

And still I chug along.

I am 29.8 weeks pregnant today. Wednesday I will be 30 weeks. 10 more to go. well, 9 really, as of now. Because of my illnesses my doctors are scheduling me to go at 39 weeks. Either I'll be induced, or I will need a cesarean. My doctors think I'll need to go sooner than that, but it depends on whether or not Maggie's organs get too big near the end of the pregnancy. Tomorrow I have an echo-cardiogram to find out if her heart lining is getting too thick.

This kiddo must be strong as nails, to endure all of her mommy's stresses that comes from all these tests I have to have done. I can't wait to be through, and hold her finally.

I'm watching Doctor Who. The episode with Rose and Eccleston and the mannequins. Freaky, yo.

My Easter was pretty good. Despite feeling ill, I enjoyed The company I was with. My grandmother's house had 2 of my aunts and uncles, and their families. Cousins too, obviously. They all tried their best to make sure I was comfortable. Which I was not, but not because of their lack of trying! Because I am simply 30 weeks pregnant and I've decided that it is impossible to be comfortable long, if ever.

I missed my other aunts and cousins, but I hope they enjoyed their Easters. I'll see them soon enough I guess.

Maybe I'll go to bed after I post this. I'm just ready for the day to be over. I'll set up in bed with some snackage and some Monk on my laptop, and chill. Or sleep. Probably sleep.

This post probably sucks a little bit of ass, but I just feel extremely unmotivated, and my life is just not that interesting. I get all my thrills from hubsand and his crazy stories from work. He's an electrician and works in the shittiest places. Some nicer areas, but mostly shit-villes. He's in Newark a lot. Comes home with stories about thugs beating his truck windows at stoplights trying to get him to buy their grape fruitsnacks... I don't know. He entertains me. I love him.

Peace, Mego out.

My Sister's Dog Keeps Shitting On My Floor

Ok, but seriously. This dog pushes his way into my room and shits on my floor for no reason. Maybe he just doesn't like me. But he tries to cuddle with me so he must like me. Right?

I had another doctor appointment today. He's trying to tell me all this ish about how I don't know how to control my asthma (which I have had for about... 19 years of my life. Literally ever since I can remember.) It was my 2nd visit with him. He's one of my newer doctors. He's a fool I tell you, a fool. Maybe I should just find a new primary. Screw you, Dr. Carson!

He also wants me to have a pulmonary function test done. I am over tests and needles. Too bad I will never ever be able to get away from the latter. With the diabeetus and all. Oy.
   Keep in mind that this is the same doctor who ordered a CAT scan done STAT last month because he was 100% sure that I had a pulmonary embolism, AKA blood clots in my lungs.
I think hes a quack who is behind on his yacht payments and doesn't give a shit how he pays them. (Meaning he's ordering bullshit tests and scans on pregnant chicks, for fun.) Grr.

I'm tired today. Not like I had a bad sleep last night and I'm going to bed early to make up for it. Like I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of having diabetes and other chronic illnesses that will never leave me for the rest of my days. My heart is tired and my brain is tired and I am struggling with today, and dealing with life.

But days are temporary. And feelings can be too... Sometimes.

 I know that I won't always feel like this. Some days will inevitably be worse than others, and some days I'll be happy and confident in my position in life, where I am and the progress I've made. Other days I'll look at my so-called progress and cry because I'll feel like I've gotten nowhere and I'm failing myself, my body, my child and everyone around me. I've had them days before and I'll sure as hell have them again.

Today is one of those think about my "progress" and cry kind of days.

My doctor wants me to have an eye exam because my eyesight is getting worse and we want to make sure I won't be blind by the time I'm 30 because of my diabetes.
I also need to go for some other test or scan or something the week after my daughter is born because I can't have it done while I'm pregnant because it will make her grow a third arm or some shit... Makes me think,  " What is that doing to MY insides?"
I guess in the end it wont matter too too much. I'll either live long and prosper or I wont, and I'm pretty content with either.

Peace, Mego out.

Ahh. Another Refreshing Morning.

You know that great feeling when you’re slowly waking up from your nighttime slumbers, you can hear birds chirping, you can hear the wind coursing through the leaves on the trees, in sort of a sing-songy way, welcoming you to a brand new day with brand new possibilities, maybe you can hear a wind chime playing you the lovely tune of her people, the tune she was born to play from the moment of her creation, until she inevitably ends up torn from her hanging home, crumpled in a pile on the ground where she would lay for the rest of her wind chime existence.

Yeah, me neither. Maybe when I was younger, and without many an ailment.

Usually my waking moment is less of a slow  welcoming into the world’s new day kinda thing, and more of a ripped out of sleep by something (or someone) telling me to check my blood sugar. Or, it’s an abrupt how do you do when my bladder decides not to check if it's alright with my brain if it lets loose and sends pee cascading into the sheets while I sleep because my daughter just had to sprawl out and use said bladder as a bouncy house or some shit. Now, usually I do make it to the bathroom. I'm not that far gone. But sometimes I worry more than other times…

Or maybe I'm woken up by the pain that sets in after laying in one position for more than 20 minutes. I think that one's my favorite. Hips, back, legs, neck, shoulders. You all know what I’m talking about.

Hell, I’m only 19, why do I feel like this all the time? Oh yeah, I’m growing a human life.

Now, there are some upsides to all these things. Waking up in the middle of the night to check my blood sugar instead of slipping into a coma and dying would be easier for everyone involved, I think.

Having my brain make 1 last ditch effort to wake me up to go to the bathroom before it gives in to my bladder’s pleads of "please let me pee” is better than just letting me slumber and wake up in cold wet sheets. Thanks, brain.

And my pain just means that I AM GROWING A CHILD. And not just any child, MY child. The innocent  one I will raise and teach good morals to. The little one I will clean scraped knees for and sing soothing tunes to in times of need. The beautiful one who one day I will hug tightly with tears in my eyes  and tell her she's making the right choice in who she commits her life to for the remainder of it. If I didn't have this pain, it would mean that I'm not working my very hardest to create a better and healthier life for my little one. So I’ll take it. I’ll take all the pain, and the tears, and the uncomfortable that it will take to make sure my child knows just how much she means to me, and just how hard I’m willing to work for her to have a good life, before she's even in this world. They say that after you have a baby, your life will never be the same. Well my life is completely different now because of this kid, and it morphed from the second I knew she was forming. From the time she was the size of a little tiny poppy seed, to now, when I can feel her crushing my bladder, and kicking my ribs at the same time. My life is drastically different and I can't wait to meet my best friend. She has changed me in more ways that one, and I will never be the same.

Sometimes in life you have hardships and struggles, but it's easy to see the good. Other times, you have bombs whipped at you and in the moments that you're being attacked, the dread and sorrow make it too overwhelming to breathe, let alone see any good that might possibly come out of it. There are things that I refuse to write about, that are too hard to talk about, let alone scrawl them out onto a page for the public to read. But even now, with scars that were once wounds I thought would never heal, I can look back with strength and understanding and see the good. There is a little good in everything. Of this I am sure. Even if it never touches you, somebody else will get some good from it and maybe find peace. Maybe find comfort. Maybe find the last little string that they can hold onto for a little while longer. I have realized that in this life, I do not matter. What matters to me is others. My child's health and well-being, my husband's comfort and happiness, my mother's peace and calm. My father’s desire to be loved without jumping through a few sometimes seemingly necessary hoops… I didn't do anything to deserve my Father’s love or acceptance. There is no reason for it. Other than just love. And a plain desire to be loved back. Just the other day I was talking to a woman I didn't know, at the store or something. And she said that she didn't understand why people could not be kind. She said that kindness is free, and kindness pays. And I’m not sure I've heard a truer statement. Kindness is free, and kindness pays.

Peace, Mego out.