Tumor Baby!

Being a mother is nothing like I thought it would be. It's the most special, hard, exciting, nerve wracking, insane thing. So may feelings all at once. All of the feels.

My whole labor and delivery process was nothing like I thought it would be, either. It was painful and unexpected and excruciating and hard as hell. But none of that matters, look at what I've brought into this world. The most perfect baby girl I could have ever imagined.

Shes so special, even now at 11 weeks old. Her personality is so fun, sweet, loving and hilarious. She hardly ever cries and she is such a joy.

I could go on and on about my daughter, but I won't. At least not in this particular blog post.

I think I should talk about my labor and delivery.

Me and Tim went in to the hospital around 5 pm on Wednesday, May 25th. I got set up immediately with a room and cervidil. they gave me an ambien to help with sleep. Which didn't help with sleep. If anything it kept me up, made me cry, and gave me the single worst headache I've ever had. I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway, with all nurses coming in, drawing blood, checking my blood sugar, waking me up constantly.

Fast forward to Thursday morning. They started me on pitocin around 830 am. Killer shit, that shit. Just plain painful. Fake contractions are shitty. Real contractions are probably worse, but I only got the fake ones and they sucked ass. All day long I was on pitocin, then that night they gave me another cervidil, I had made no change, besides my cervix softening a tiny bit. I was still only 1 centimeter dilated.

Friday morning they took out my cervidil, checked my cervix, and there was still no change. So then they decided to insert a Foley bag, to mechanically dilate me. That thing has emerged from the pits of hell to terrify and inflict pain on all pregnant women who use them. The whole ordeal lasted probably a half an hour.

For those of you who don't know, cervidil causes extreme discomfort and ultra sensitivity. So this was fucked up.

The resident who was doing the procedure had extremely tiny fingers, and shaky hands that really seemed as though they had not a clue as to what they were doing. He tried 4 times with 4 different speculums to insert this thing into my cervix. Leaving the room halfway through to go find different speculums. He was extremely unprepared and kept walking to the other side of the room for equipment that wasn't readily available to him, that he needed. Every time he walked away and came back, he needed to clean my cervix again. That prick probably cleaned my cervix 7 times, no joke. that was the worst part, when he cleaned my cervix. I still have nightmares about the pain, the feeling. I think about it and my skin crawls and I get nauseous... I doubt that will ever go away. I was crying and it took all I had in me to not jump off the table, to not writhe in pain. He kept asking if I wanted him to stop, but like he was angry with me. I finally told him to either stop or shut up and finish his damn job. Sitting there with my legs in the stirrups with metal shit hanging out of my baby cannon, bleeding like he just knifed me 64 times. Such epic bullshit, not to mention humiliating as shit.

It's totally amazing all the shit we as women go through to reproduce. In the moment, in the midst of all the pain, suffering, humiliating, grotesque, horrifying shit that hospitals, (and childbirth) puts you through, you vow to never have anymore children. "One is enough for me!" I said. And then, after all of that, after countless strangers not only seeing, but putting digits inside my little cave of wonders, out emerges this tiny life... Beautiful, special, amazing, wondrous, tiny me. And she is mine. mine forever, to cherish and play with and teach and help me learn things, too. And suddenly your opinion towards more babies changes. After all I went through and still go through now months later, I would totally have more kids, because they are so damn worth it. To be able to create something so special is such a blessing, such an amazing privilege.

I am a completely different person now that I'm a mommy to someone. It was hard for me to visualize or imagine myself being a mom right away, having that responsibility and little person attached to you almost every minute of every day for the next 7 years at least. But I'm here. I'm doing it, and fairly well if I do say so myself... And I'm enjoying myself. I love that little girl so much more than I love myself, and anything in this world. me and my husband together will provide this child with more love and support in every area of her life than anyone else. My little family that God has allowed me to indulge in is more than I could ever ask for, hope for, imagine.

People told me that I wouldn't bond well with my daughter if she was a Cesarean, and they were so wrong. I can't imagine loving her more than I do. This level of love so far transcends how I thought it would be. Being a mom is like nothing I've ever experienced... Even after all the pain. After all the humiliating shit. After being sliced open and having so many scars both physically and emotionally that will never go away, I would do it all again. For my daughter, and for my future babies.

I'm not entirely sure where to end this, so much has happened between when I had Maggie and now. but a blog post should only be so long, I think. Maybe here is a good spot...

Peace, Mego out.

Whatever.

I really meant to blog more. I didn't want to start something, commit to something and then just fall off the bandwagon. And of course, that's what I did.

I really do enjoy it. I just feel like there's not enough time for it. Between doctor appointments, taking care of my dog, wallowing in my self pity, taking care of my unborn child, plus my diabetes, I just get lost and extremely overwhelmed. But maybe that was just a hump and I'm getting over it. Maybe I'll start pumping out 2 or 3 blogs a week now.

Hey, It's worth a shot.

OK, updates, let's see... I reconnected with an old friend who I haven't spoken to in about 6 years. Well, I guess she reconnected with me really. Whatever. I'm glad she did. It was a terrible, painful part of my past that I thought about everyday, and wondered if what happened was supposed to, or if we just let our stupid 13 year old minds run rampant. Again, whatever, I guess. It happened and there's no taking it back. But anyway.

Like I said, It was a painful part of my life and was always in the back of my mind, weighing on me and causing me small amounts of anxiety, which God knows I don't need. After we talked and reconnected I felt so much better. And It's one thing I can now say doesn't weigh me down anymore. which, at this point in my life is an amazing thing for me. Everything has just seemed to be weighing me down this past year and I have to say, It feels pretty damn good to have one less thing. I feel better, I know its better for my kid, and the people who love me.

When you have anxiety, it doesn't only affect you, it causes the people around you pain. It causes them stress and worry and hurt and sadness and confusion as to why what's happening to you is happening. And it sucks because not even you know. Whatever, though.

My insurance changed and they no longer provide coverage for the pump I've been on since July. So I'm switching pumps. Right now I'm on the Omnipod by Insulet, and I'm switching to the 530G pump by Medtronic. I have to say, I am excited, albeit a little nervous for what the future holds. I'm switching from a pump without tubing, to a pump with tubing. I think that will be the hardest thing to adjust to, honestly. Because the rest is just a learning curve.
I'm also receiving a CGM, or a continuous glucose monitor for all of you non-diabetics out there.
Basically it's a sensor that tracks your blood sugars so you will know if you're going too high, or too low. I am really pumped for that. It will be nice to have the awareness and knowledge of my constant blood sugars.

Like tonight, it really would have come in handy.

Every night this past week I've been waking up around 1:30 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep, usually until 5 or 6. then I sleep until 8 or 9 and eat the rest.

Whatever.

Tonight I woke up around 1:30 and here I am blogging instead of sleeping at 4:29 in the morning.

My husband's alarm is going off for work. Maybe I'll let him miss it and be late. Haha.

Pregnancy is really hard. I feel like everyone told me, but maybe I just wasn't prepared for all of it. It has so many more aspects than just the physical parts. Which, believe me, if you don't know, are surely hard enough. My stretch marks have stretch marks. I was wearing a bikini this time last year, and now, I will NEVER WEAR A BIKINI EVER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

But, whatever. Who needs bikini's, right?

I don't want to get into all the woes of pregnancy so I'm not going to. Not in this post anyway.

My baby shower is this Sunday, and tomorrow I am going to get my nails done for the first time in, probably about a year. I used to love doing that. Now, I gotta be honest, it seems a little impractical. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I don't know.

I'm scheduled to be induced between my 38th and 39th week of gestation, probably sooner the further I get in my pregnancy. Last week It was between 39 and 40 weeks.

I have weekly doctor appointments now. Usually one on Tuesdays, and one on Thursdays. NS testing every week, and in depth ultrasounds every week. On top of that I have endocrinologist appointments, training for my new pump and CGM, and my regular OB/GYN appointments too. I always thought the few weeks before a baby is born would be almost like the calm before the storm, but I was horribly, awfully wrong. foolishly wrong. It's just going to be a shit show until she pops out, and not too much easier after she does so. Even though I am sure it will be more enjoyable because I'll have a tiny human... Right?

Whatever.

It is what it is and I can't change 97% of it, so why try? I just need to work on my own happiness, my own calm. I need to be still.

It really helps me to make lists. I feel productive as I'm making a list, and like a super human when I can then check things off of said list. It's quite the thrill, really. I made a list tonight amidst my sleeplessness.

I like lists.

Peace, Mego out.