Whatever.

I really meant to blog more. I didn't want to start something, commit to something and then just fall off the bandwagon. And of course, that's what I did.

I really do enjoy it. I just feel like there's not enough time for it. Between doctor appointments, taking care of my dog, wallowing in my self pity, taking care of my unborn child, plus my diabetes, I just get lost and extremely overwhelmed. But maybe that was just a hump and I'm getting over it. Maybe I'll start pumping out 2 or 3 blogs a week now.

Hey, It's worth a shot.

OK, updates, let's see... I reconnected with an old friend who I haven't spoken to in about 6 years. Well, I guess she reconnected with me really. Whatever. I'm glad she did. It was a terrible, painful part of my past that I thought about everyday, and wondered if what happened was supposed to, or if we just let our stupid 13 year old minds run rampant. Again, whatever, I guess. It happened and there's no taking it back. But anyway.

Like I said, It was a painful part of my life and was always in the back of my mind, weighing on me and causing me small amounts of anxiety, which God knows I don't need. After we talked and reconnected I felt so much better. And It's one thing I can now say doesn't weigh me down anymore. which, at this point in my life is an amazing thing for me. Everything has just seemed to be weighing me down this past year and I have to say, It feels pretty damn good to have one less thing. I feel better, I know its better for my kid, and the people who love me.

When you have anxiety, it doesn't only affect you, it causes the people around you pain. It causes them stress and worry and hurt and sadness and confusion as to why what's happening to you is happening. And it sucks because not even you know. Whatever, though.

My insurance changed and they no longer provide coverage for the pump I've been on since July. So I'm switching pumps. Right now I'm on the Omnipod by Insulet, and I'm switching to the 530G pump by Medtronic. I have to say, I am excited, albeit a little nervous for what the future holds. I'm switching from a pump without tubing, to a pump with tubing. I think that will be the hardest thing to adjust to, honestly. Because the rest is just a learning curve.
I'm also receiving a CGM, or a continuous glucose monitor for all of you non-diabetics out there.
Basically it's a sensor that tracks your blood sugars so you will know if you're going too high, or too low. I am really pumped for that. It will be nice to have the awareness and knowledge of my constant blood sugars.

Like tonight, it really would have come in handy.

Every night this past week I've been waking up around 1:30 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep, usually until 5 or 6. then I sleep until 8 or 9 and eat the rest.

Whatever.

Tonight I woke up around 1:30 and here I am blogging instead of sleeping at 4:29 in the morning.

My husband's alarm is going off for work. Maybe I'll let him miss it and be late. Haha.

Pregnancy is really hard. I feel like everyone told me, but maybe I just wasn't prepared for all of it. It has so many more aspects than just the physical parts. Which, believe me, if you don't know, are surely hard enough. My stretch marks have stretch marks. I was wearing a bikini this time last year, and now, I will NEVER WEAR A BIKINI EVER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

But, whatever. Who needs bikini's, right?

I don't want to get into all the woes of pregnancy so I'm not going to. Not in this post anyway.

My baby shower is this Sunday, and tomorrow I am going to get my nails done for the first time in, probably about a year. I used to love doing that. Now, I gotta be honest, it seems a little impractical. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I don't know.

I'm scheduled to be induced between my 38th and 39th week of gestation, probably sooner the further I get in my pregnancy. Last week It was between 39 and 40 weeks.

I have weekly doctor appointments now. Usually one on Tuesdays, and one on Thursdays. NS testing every week, and in depth ultrasounds every week. On top of that I have endocrinologist appointments, training for my new pump and CGM, and my regular OB/GYN appointments too. I always thought the few weeks before a baby is born would be almost like the calm before the storm, but I was horribly, awfully wrong. foolishly wrong. It's just going to be a shit show until she pops out, and not too much easier after she does so. Even though I am sure it will be more enjoyable because I'll have a tiny human... Right?

Whatever.

It is what it is and I can't change 97% of it, so why try? I just need to work on my own happiness, my own calm. I need to be still.

It really helps me to make lists. I feel productive as I'm making a list, and like a super human when I can then check things off of said list. It's quite the thrill, really. I made a list tonight amidst my sleeplessness.

I like lists.

Peace, Mego out.

Mother Of Pearl

I seem to be having more bad days than good lately. I didn't want my blog to be a downer sad blog in which all I do is complain about my terrible doctors and poor health, but at this point I'm just discouraged and feeling like a downer, if we're being honest.

It's like everyday is just more bad news. Sometimes the bad news turns out to be my doctors over-reacting, and other times (most times) it's real bad news. And it's really discouraging. Angering. Saddening.

All of these feelings are not healthy, but all of these feelings are valid... I struggle with this daily. As a Christian, I want to have the ability to lean on God and let myself be comforted in the strength of His power, but in my flesh I struggle with negative feelings that are of this world. Stress, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, lost hope, bitterness, hatred, feelings of "Why me?" Among many other things.

It is so much easier to curl up in bed and cry about your life, and the shit storm it feels like its turning into, give into all the negative feelings. Cry out to the heavens, "WHY ME?" Hell, I do it all the damn time. I get little blessings throughout the day, or week, and maybe I just need to be better at focusing on them instead of the negatives.

 I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I feel like I've got it somewhat figured out, then the hits just keep on coming. I said to my husband tonight, "What a week, huh?" and then he proceeded to inform me that it was, in fact only Tuesday.

Mother of pearl, let's coma this out until Friday, yes? Who's with me?! I do NOT want to deal with the rest of this week unless all it has in store for me is visits from people who I love, boxes of chocolates, and LOTS of takeout food.

On a lighter note, I should probably wait until I have people who are actually reading my blog, but you know... I'm impatient.

After you use the lavatory, do you wipe while sitting, or wipe while standing? I do it one way, and my husband does another. As do the rest of his siblings, same as him. (At least the ones I've actually ASKED.) It's kind of a private, personal question, I guess.

But anyway, I'm intrigued to say the least, to find out just how many people do it differently. I honestly was so shocked to find out anybody did it differently than I did! It had never crossed my mind.

Leave me a comment, or whatever else you can do on this here bloggy blog.

Peace, Mego out.