Puppies, Babies, And Death.

I had a fairly eventful week and weekend. Lots of doctor appointments, as usual, and it was my sister's birthday.

We also had an extremely unexpected and very tragic death in the family. I feel as though I am at a loss for words to write.

I think that blogging has been very good for me, it helps me process my emotions better, and focus on one thing fully. Which I am sure as you can imagine is difficult for me, because of all the things currently going on in my life.

This morning I had another doctor appointment, and me and my mother went to see the baby in my belly. Everything is measuring beautifully and she currently weighs in at 4 pounds, 3 ounces. We didn't get any photos to take home this visit because she had her arms over her face- again!

Last Tuesday she had to have an echocardiogram done, and the doctor was worried that one of her major arteries was massively too small, which would require surgery at birth, and all these things for Tim and I to think about, and stress over. We had an appointment at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia the following Friday to get it checked out. Turns out that the abnormal increased blood flow in her aortic valve is not cause by something like a tiny artery, the big concern, but could possibly be caused by a missing leaflet in her valve. A much more common heart defect.

I feel odd talking about my daughter's possible common heart defect in such a calm manner, because it is still just that, a heart defect. Ideally, she wouldn't even HAVE a heart defect.

But it is what it is and I can't change it.

If she does end up with a heart defect, I can't help but feel totally and completely responsible. Diabetics who choose to reproduce know full well that their offspring are much more likely to have organ and heart defects. I am selfish, and am willing to allow my child's quality of life to be lacking, simply because I want a baby.

I find myself downtrodden today. Sad, and lacking confidence, lacking conviction, and lacking motivation. I just want to lay in bed with my dog and watch netflix. And maybe eat a donut.

Death is tough to deal with. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and outlets. But just the thought of it... I don't know. It leaves me feeling uneasy and angry. Mainly when the way is happened was violent, tragic, or just out of the ordinary.

Life is really really hard to deal with sometimes.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my cardiologist. They sent me home with a 24 hour heart monitor. I am wearing it currently. I have 3 hours and 27 minutes remaining, then I can take it off and return it to my doctor's office. I slept horribly last night, I was up most of the night.
It doesn't help that my dog has decided that he needs to go all the way downstairs every single night to use the bathroom. But I guess that is better than having to clean up an accident in the middle of the night.

I enjoy blogging, but I feel as though I am not very good at it. I feel scatterbrained, and random. I feel boring and uninteresting. I feel as though all my posts are the same.

I'm hoping to get more posts out there, maybe have a weekly quota I need to meet. Practice makes perfect, they say.

I think I'll go nap with my pup.

Peace, Mego out.

Mother Of Pearl

I seem to be having more bad days than good lately. I didn't want my blog to be a downer sad blog in which all I do is complain about my terrible doctors and poor health, but at this point I'm just discouraged and feeling like a downer, if we're being honest.

It's like everyday is just more bad news. Sometimes the bad news turns out to be my doctors over-reacting, and other times (most times) it's real bad news. And it's really discouraging. Angering. Saddening.

All of these feelings are not healthy, but all of these feelings are valid... I struggle with this daily. As a Christian, I want to have the ability to lean on God and let myself be comforted in the strength of His power, but in my flesh I struggle with negative feelings that are of this world. Stress, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, lost hope, bitterness, hatred, feelings of "Why me?" Among many other things.

It is so much easier to curl up in bed and cry about your life, and the shit storm it feels like its turning into, give into all the negative feelings. Cry out to the heavens, "WHY ME?" Hell, I do it all the damn time. I get little blessings throughout the day, or week, and maybe I just need to be better at focusing on them instead of the negatives.

 I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I feel like I've got it somewhat figured out, then the hits just keep on coming. I said to my husband tonight, "What a week, huh?" and then he proceeded to inform me that it was, in fact only Tuesday.

Mother of pearl, let's coma this out until Friday, yes? Who's with me?! I do NOT want to deal with the rest of this week unless all it has in store for me is visits from people who I love, boxes of chocolates, and LOTS of takeout food.

On a lighter note, I should probably wait until I have people who are actually reading my blog, but you know... I'm impatient.

After you use the lavatory, do you wipe while sitting, or wipe while standing? I do it one way, and my husband does another. As do the rest of his siblings, same as him. (At least the ones I've actually ASKED.) It's kind of a private, personal question, I guess.

But anyway, I'm intrigued to say the least, to find out just how many people do it differently. I honestly was so shocked to find out anybody did it differently than I did! It had never crossed my mind.

Leave me a comment, or whatever else you can do on this here bloggy blog.

Peace, Mego out.