Puppies, Babies, And Death.

I had a fairly eventful week and weekend. Lots of doctor appointments, as usual, and it was my sister's birthday.

We also had an extremely unexpected and very tragic death in the family. I feel as though I am at a loss for words to write.

I think that blogging has been very good for me, it helps me process my emotions better, and focus on one thing fully. Which I am sure as you can imagine is difficult for me, because of all the things currently going on in my life.

This morning I had another doctor appointment, and me and my mother went to see the baby in my belly. Everything is measuring beautifully and she currently weighs in at 4 pounds, 3 ounces. We didn't get any photos to take home this visit because she had her arms over her face- again!

Last Tuesday she had to have an echocardiogram done, and the doctor was worried that one of her major arteries was massively too small, which would require surgery at birth, and all these things for Tim and I to think about, and stress over. We had an appointment at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia the following Friday to get it checked out. Turns out that the abnormal increased blood flow in her aortic valve is not cause by something like a tiny artery, the big concern, but could possibly be caused by a missing leaflet in her valve. A much more common heart defect.

I feel odd talking about my daughter's possible common heart defect in such a calm manner, because it is still just that, a heart defect. Ideally, she wouldn't even HAVE a heart defect.

But it is what it is and I can't change it.

If she does end up with a heart defect, I can't help but feel totally and completely responsible. Diabetics who choose to reproduce know full well that their offspring are much more likely to have organ and heart defects. I am selfish, and am willing to allow my child's quality of life to be lacking, simply because I want a baby.

I find myself downtrodden today. Sad, and lacking confidence, lacking conviction, and lacking motivation. I just want to lay in bed with my dog and watch netflix. And maybe eat a donut.

Death is tough to deal with. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and outlets. But just the thought of it... I don't know. It leaves me feeling uneasy and angry. Mainly when the way is happened was violent, tragic, or just out of the ordinary.

Life is really really hard to deal with sometimes.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my cardiologist. They sent me home with a 24 hour heart monitor. I am wearing it currently. I have 3 hours and 27 minutes remaining, then I can take it off and return it to my doctor's office. I slept horribly last night, I was up most of the night.
It doesn't help that my dog has decided that he needs to go all the way downstairs every single night to use the bathroom. But I guess that is better than having to clean up an accident in the middle of the night.

I enjoy blogging, but I feel as though I am not very good at it. I feel scatterbrained, and random. I feel boring and uninteresting. I feel as though all my posts are the same.

I'm hoping to get more posts out there, maybe have a weekly quota I need to meet. Practice makes perfect, they say.

I think I'll go nap with my pup.

Peace, Mego out.

"There may be pain in the night, but hope comes in the morning."

This is harder than I thought it would be. As the week progresses, literally every day I have said to myself, "Well, at least it can't get any worse!"

What a joke.

I do not understand. Some people take this so lightly, pregnancy and carrying another tiny person, even just children in general. I have never felt such a heart tearing feeling in my life. Some shit has gone down before, some shit that will never get any easier... But this, this is different.

This is life changing.

This is my child.

I can feel her tiny legs kick with all the force she is able to muster, I can hear her tiny heart beating, and see the small but strong strokes of it when I am at my OB's office.

"There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."

All week I have had this very real sense of peace, and comfort from God. But I can't help but feeling it all crumbling down around my head. I feel panic, I feel an overwhelming fear and dread. I feel like everything in my life is so different now than is was 3 years ago, along with my priorities and the things that matter the absolute most.

In the bible, one of God's promises is that when we get to heaven, we get a brand new body. Perfect, and without disease.

I have forgotten what that is.

I have no other choice but to believe this to be true, because I am drowning in my sadness with life and where I am, the state that my body is in. The anxiety that I cannot seem to control. The tears that never seem to run out.

The fear.
The hopelessness.
The anger.

I want to stop trembling, and I want to stop feeling the way I feel. I want to have complete hope in Christ, complete trust and total selflessness in Him.

And its so hard. I am weak and tired, exhausted from hanging on. I'm trying to let Him carry me. I am trying.

I've never been so afraid. I want my baby to not just be healthy. I am terrified of how I will deal with it if she isn't. If I'm feeling like this now, with no definite answers, what is going to happen if she needs surgery at birth? I always hype myself, and make things worse in my head. I'm praying that it is all ok, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I love her more than I've ever loved anything... And I don't know how to handle any of this.

I want peace. I want understanding. I want the damn rapture to come and take us so God can give us what he promised, brand new bodies in a perfect place, for ever and ever.

I am afraid. Writing helps. A little bit...

I need to sleep. I need to pray... I need a cup 'o noodles.

Peace, Mego out.