What's next?

So, what is next? I got a car, I have no thyroid problems, I'm single as a flamingle, I've got two beautiful children and two fabulous jobs that I legitimately enjoy. What bomb will hit next I wonder?

Kid's shows are the dumbest thing. Why wouldn't they make these shows developmentally advanced? NO instead they seem to try to be making kids dumber. It's awful. Whatever.

I'm all over the place.

I am so hungry. We went to Doughboys and they changed their menu and it is amazing. Their new shit is delicious. But that was like ten hours ago so now I'm starving but I shall power though and not eat tonight. I'm trying hard to lose weight. I'm on the divorce diet. No carbs for me!

I'm supposed to start back at HMH next week and I am pumped. I love being there and working there. It's such a good environment to be in. Plus I love what I do for a living so that helps a lot. I love helping people and talking to people. It's also kinda cool to see everyones health records haha. But seriously I really do enjoy it.

I heard somewhere that when you're tired your body sends the same chemicals to your brain as it does when you're hungry. I don't know if that's true or not but it would explain why I have such a hard time eating at night. Food calls to me after 9pm so hardcore. But I've made it three nights now without eating at night and I hope to make it many more. Somethings gotta give here before I kick the bucket because of my food addiction. Hopefully this sticks. Lord knows I've gotta stick around for my kids.

Memories

Tonight I was going through my old drafts on my page that I never posted. Sucked. So many good writings and so many experiences that are now dead and gone. so much about my ex and when Maggie was tiny. A lot about her in the hospital when she was sick, so much grief and hardships. Crazy how things shape and morph a person into a totally different one. I can confidently say that I am totally different than I was a year ago.

Memories are a bitch.

How do professional bloggers think up things to blog about every single day? Do they blog every single day? Maybe I should do some investigating.

Is it wrong to hope you have a thyroid problem? I have amazing fatigue and exhaustion. My hair is falling out, I have zero appetite and I keep gaining weight. I never finish a meal. My doctor said its the only thing that makes sense. She also wants me to see a nutritionist. Oy vey. It would be nice to have a reason for all of this. I can only pray that this is not my reality.

Maybe I'll get another tattoo. That would be a really financially responsible choice. I'll go back to work soon and not have to worry about it as much. I'll get a car soon and be like a responsible adult. My best friend just got a new car and it's amazing. It's gorgeous. She is so responsible and controlled and kind and loving and just amazing. She's the person who I am truly lucky to have. Who everyone would kill to have by their side. She is always there for me even when I'm a total bitch, she's right there talking me through it and giving me truths and encouraging me to stop being a bitch. She's my gem.

Why do I always want to buy something when I'm sad? It's either that or eat but I'm always so nauseous so that doesn't happen.

I hope this new medication helps. I'm tired of being tired.

Journal.

I am sat here thinking how I want to start journaling, to keep track of a mess of things, meds and meds changes, feelings, hopes and fears ect. Then I remembered I have a blog! And its perfect because nobody reads my blog, so I can put whateverthefuck I want to put.

I love how godly my friends are. Always encouraging and uplifting. Always there if you need something too. They are good friends.

My doctor is changing my meds again. switching me off aripiprazole and onto olanzapine. These 'z' meds freak me the fuck out. What kind of crazy person takes meds like these? Oh wait, that's me. I'm the crazy person.

So I'm back on my bullshit. Dieting.  The dreaded 'd' word. I hate every second of it. I think I have serious food problems. Deep rooted shit or something. I love food so damn much y'all. My mama is like my therapist and helps me through so many thoughts and feelings. She's the greatest.

Blogging really is such a good outlet for people who just need to get shit out. Everyone should do it. Well, maybe not everyone.

I know I'm all over the place here, I'm tired after work and I'm not very good with my words as it is. But I guess that's it for tonight. Over and out.

oh, what a life.

Remember that song from the 90s that went, "Nobody likes you when you're 23."?  Yeah. About that...

New beginnings, right? I can have a fresh start with the people who really love me and who really matter. I can give my all to my girls and my family, I can treat my friends how I want and should have been this whole time.

It sucks asses, but maybe its for the best. The inner turmoil and self hate and questions that will always go unanswered are still there, oh they're there full force. But I have a sense of newness. A taste of what could be. I might be coming into myself and becoming who I wouldn't have otherwise. Who I should be.

Divorced. How much emotion that word holds for me. Is it the same for everyone? Is it wrong to still have a king bed and sleep right in the middle like a queen? More questions that shall go unanswered.

I can do what I want now. If I want a computer, I can buy one. If I want to work more hours I will. Buy a car? Why not! If I want to shave my head I fucking will. Fuck it. I can't lie, it is a little invigorating... To be able to make  my own decisions. But that's just driftwood that comes along with the crash. And it does feel like a crash. With blood and guts and heartbreak and sadness and just straight shit. Shit that I have to work through alone.

I'm heading out. Somewhere with vast possibilities and decisions to be made. Decisions I'll make on my own, or with the help of people who I choose. I'll step out and see what there is with my wonderful girls by my side. I love those girls with my whole being. My responsibility as their mother seems to grow every time I turn around, and I don't dislike it. It's empowering and exciting. I get to show them how to be a strong woman. They don't have many in their life. So I'll be that for them. They will grow up knowing what's what. And they will grow up knowing not to take any shit from nobody. My girls will be strong as fuck. Just like their mama.

Keeping this one short and sweet, folks... Just dipping my piggies back in the water.