Being a mother is nothing like I thought it would be. It's the most special, hard, exciting, nerve wracking, insane thing. So may feelings all at once. All of the feels.
My whole labor and delivery process was nothing like I thought it would be, either. It was painful and unexpected and excruciating and hard as hell. But none of that matters, look at what I've brought into this world. The most perfect baby girl I could have ever imagined.
Shes so special, even now at 11 weeks old. Her personality is so fun, sweet, loving and hilarious. She hardly ever cries and she is such a joy.
I could go on and on about my daughter, but I won't. At least not in this particular blog post.
I think I should talk about my labor and delivery.
Me and Tim went in to the hospital around 5 pm on Wednesday, May 25th. I got set up immediately with a room and cervidil. they gave me an ambien to help with sleep. Which didn't help with sleep. If anything it kept me up, made me cry, and gave me the single worst headache I've ever had. I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway, with all nurses coming in, drawing blood, checking my blood sugar, waking me up constantly.
Fast forward to Thursday morning. They started me on pitocin around 830 am. Killer shit, that shit. Just plain painful. Fake contractions are shitty. Real contractions are probably worse, but I only got the fake ones and they sucked ass. All day long I was on pitocin, then that night they gave me another cervidil, I had made no change, besides my cervix softening a tiny bit. I was still only 1 centimeter dilated.
Friday morning they took out my cervidil, checked my cervix, and there was still no change. So then they decided to insert a Foley bag, to mechanically dilate me. That thing has emerged from the pits of hell to terrify and inflict pain on all pregnant women who use them. The whole ordeal lasted probably a half an hour.
For those of you who don't know, cervidil causes extreme discomfort and ultra sensitivity. So this was fucked up.
The resident who was doing the procedure had extremely tiny fingers, and shaky hands that really seemed as though they had not a clue as to what they were doing. He tried 4 times with 4 different speculums to insert this thing into my cervix. Leaving the room halfway through to go find different speculums. He was extremely unprepared and kept walking to the other side of the room for equipment that wasn't readily available to him, that he needed. Every time he walked away and came back, he needed to clean my cervix again. That prick probably cleaned my cervix 7 times, no joke. that was the worst part, when he cleaned my cervix. I still have nightmares about the pain, the feeling. I think about it and my skin crawls and I get nauseous... I doubt that will ever go away. I was crying and it took all I had in me to not jump off the table, to not writhe in pain. He kept asking if I wanted him to stop, but like he was angry with me. I finally told him to either stop or shut up and finish his damn job. Sitting there with my legs in the stirrups with metal shit hanging out of my baby cannon, bleeding like he just knifed me 64 times. Such epic bullshit, not to mention humiliating as shit.
It's totally amazing all the shit we as women go through to reproduce. In the moment, in the midst of all the pain, suffering, humiliating, grotesque, horrifying shit that hospitals, (and childbirth) puts you through, you vow to never have anymore children. "One is enough for me!" I said. And then, after all of that, after countless strangers not only seeing, but putting digits inside my little cave of wonders, out emerges this tiny life... Beautiful, special, amazing, wondrous, tiny me. And she is mine. mine forever, to cherish and play with and teach and help me learn things, too. And suddenly your opinion towards more babies changes. After all I went through and still go through now months later, I would totally have more kids, because they are so damn worth it. To be able to create something so special is such a blessing, such an amazing privilege.
I am a completely different person now that I'm a mommy to someone. It was hard for me to visualize or imagine myself being a mom right away, having that responsibility and little person attached to you almost every minute of every day for the next 7 years at least. But I'm here. I'm doing it, and fairly well if I do say so myself... And I'm enjoying myself. I love that little girl so much more than I love myself, and anything in this world. me and my husband together will provide this child with more love and support in every area of her life than anyone else. My little family that God has allowed me to indulge in is more than I could ever ask for, hope for, imagine.
People told me that I wouldn't bond well with my daughter if she was a Cesarean, and they were so wrong. I can't imagine loving her more than I do. This level of love so far transcends how I thought it would be. Being a mom is like nothing I've ever experienced... Even after all the pain. After all the humiliating shit. After being sliced open and having so many scars both physically and emotionally that will never go away, I would do it all again. For my daughter, and for my future babies.
I'm not entirely sure where to end this, so much has happened between when I had Maggie and now. but a blog post should only be so long, I think. Maybe here is a good spot...
Peace, Mego out.
